I’ve always heard about the stages of grief. But I have never lost anyone so close to me that I have felt the ranges of emotions that grief sparks.  The guilt is bad.

Even though I spent more than three years getting George costly chemotherapy, that did indeed save his life and literally bought him more quality time than he would have had left untreated, I feel it was not enough.  All my friends keep telling me I did more than most people would have and that I went above and beyond.  Maybe I did.  It is hard to speculate about what “most people” would do when confronted with the diagnosis George had.  It has been a financial hardship, but when you love someone that much you make sacrifices.  A lesson I learned long ago as my mother made lots of sacrifices as a single parent to provide well for me.  Now I have learned the lesson first hand as I have had the will to find a way to get by and pay for George’s care.

So what more could I have done? When you are plagued with guilt it is amazing what kind of list your mind can create.  In the beginning I bought George some prescription canned dog food from the vet that was loaded with anti-oxidants.  From time to time over the years I would feed him a natural diet of brown rice, green beans and boiled chicken.  To save money, after he was out of the woods I went back to the more affordable dry dog food he has always enjoyed.  I wonder, would he have lived even longer if I would have kept him on the special canned food and natural diet?

Back in June after his surgery to remove the tumor he got a case of kennel anxiety at the vet and was gnawing on the cage. He did serious damage to three of his teeth and a doggie dentist said he would need three root canals. A procedure that could wait up to six months.  I love my dog dearly and would do anything for him, almost anything.  I told his vet I had to draw the line at a root canal, but I would have the teeth pulled once it was getting to be a problem.  It had been seven months.. One month longer than it was suggested to leave the teeth untreated.  I wonder if that was causing an infection which made him sick.  What if they pulled his teeth much sooner, perhaps he would be here today.

I can “what if” all day long.  It can drive you crazy.  No one can know for sure if any of that would have made a difference and speculating does not change the fact that he is no longer here.  So it serves no purpose.  But guilt is a funny thing.  I know intellectually it is counterproductive, but emotions can get the best of you.  It sure doesn’t stop me from wondering what more I could have done.

The guilt that will eat away at me if I let it is the guilt I feel for not spending nearly enough time with him during his last month.  Hindsight is indeed 20/20.  Oh how I would like to turn back the clock. Had I known my time with George was quickly ticking away I would have spent every free minute I had with him.  I did not.  I was selfish.  I was starting to spend more time with the people who make me happy while George stayed home alone.  Did he think I had abandoned him? Did he think I didn’t care about him anymore?  Did he give up hope because he felt alone for the first time?  Could that have caused the sudden and unexpected turn for the worse?  So many questions, no answers. Just guilt, sadness and lost opportunity.

Even his last week when I knew he was sick and felt in my heart this time was different, I made choices about how I spent my time that I regret. I and only I am responsible for the choices I make. Maybe subconsciously I was avoiding what was staring me in the face.  What I can only hope in my heart is that George knew I still loved him as much as I always have.  I spent his last three days with him.  I was beside him in the end when he needed me the most.

I just hope that was enough.

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